The first step was trying
to figure out how to handle the logistics of the adoption. Would we follow TX
law or RI law? Sounds easy enough to figure out, but it took our two attorneys
almost two weeks to figure it out. In the meantime we weren't able to begin
helping the family out with expenses because it all has to go through an agency
per TX law and an attorney per RI law... This was a challenging time because we
wanted to help them, and they desperately needed it, but our hands were tied.
If you know me, you know I'm a helper and fixer. It was extremely difficult for
me to want to be able to help them as much as possible, but be slowed down by
the legal process. We ultimately decided to go with Texas law because it was
more favorable to us, legally. Once that was figured out, the help with living
expenses started being taken care of by our TX adoption agency. Many people
ask, so I'll tell you that the money is/was paid directly to the bill
collectors, not the family. There were several times during the
pregnancy where things came up requiring additional help, and we weren't able
to send them any money or gift cards, but we could send them things that were
donated. Thanks to all of you that helped by donating things. The generosity of
others is such a humbling thing. This was extremely taxing on me emotionally.
Coming from a background where I didn't always have the money to make ends
meet, and personally knowing how scary that is, to then be in a position where
I can and want to help, but I'm not allowed to was heart wrenching. I lost a
lot of sleep and prayed many prayers over this throughout the 24 weeks. TX law
required that she have a social worker assist her with making sure her needs
were met, and she set her up with WIC, food banks, etc.
March 11, 2014 she had an
18 week ultrasound after which I got a text with a picture of the ultrasound
that said Shelli, here is your baby boy! Melt my heart. She mailed us the
physical pictures which is so nice to have. She's so sweet.
When we initially matched,
the expectant mother felt it would be easier on her if she didn't meet us or
see the baby. She initially changed her mind about meeting us, and later
changed her mind about seeing the baby.
In July, our adoption
facilitator called the hospital to let them know about her adoption plan. The
hospital's policy didn't match with the expectant mother's desires. There was a
small possibility that we wouldn't be able to see him until the paperwork was
signed at 48 hours according to TX law. Then he would be given to the social
worker for discharge where she would then give him to us outside of the hospital.
Crazy, right? Did you just hear the roller coaster come crashing down? Well,
after lots of tears, prayers, phone calls, and emails between our TX agency, RI
social worker, RI attorney, and hospital risk management, they agreed to loosen
up a bit. We still didn't know what we would and wouldn't be allowed to do
while we were in the hospital. Talk about scary!!!
At the end of July we were
reminded that our initial home study was about to expire and we had to update
it ASAP, yikes. More paperwork, fingerprints, personal references, and another
home visit.
Good news came at the very
end of July. The hospital agreed to let us see him, we would most likely have
to be with him in the hospital's nursery, but that's better than nothing.
On August 6th, two days
before due date, the doctor decided to schedule an induction for Wednesday,
8/13 if he didn't come on his own before that. We decided to fly up together on
Saturday so we would be close in case she went into labor. I lived in Maine for
a couple years in elementary school, so I decided to take Adam up there to see
it while we were in the area. It was a fun, last minute trip.
On Monday evening we went
out to eat with the whole birth family. It was very exciting to finally meet
all of them in person. They are really nice people and we had a good time.
Wednesday morning we gave her a ride to the hospital. She and I hung out in her
room waiting. They started her induction at 8:30, she got her epidural at 9:00,
and her water was broken at 10:40. We chatted and watched TV. We rented a
semi-scary movie, she loves scary movies, and I'm kind of too scared to watch
them. LOL Her epidural needed to be increased a few times to cover some extra
pain she was having. At around 4:00 she was 6 cm. At 4:30 she was feeling pressure,
and was at 9cm. For some reason the doctor thought this was an appropriate time
to go to her office across the street? She started feeling like it was time to
push, she was feeling a lot of pain, but they wouldn't give her any more
medicine through her epidural. The doctor finally came back and pushing
started, then he was born about 8 minutes later at 1648.
It moved really fast. She
was in a severe amount of pain, and no words can describe watching someone go
through that so YOU(I) can be a mother! I get emotional just thinking about it
again. I prayed for her, I tried to help her; I did my best to coach her
through it, and tell her how strong and amazing she was. She was crying, the
doctor would look at me with such a sweet smile, and I would have to look away
because it took all of my human strength to not cry. I wanted to be strong for
her. I felt that if I cried, it wouldn't help her, and I wanted to do whatever
I could for her. She is a hero to me.
Adam had been waiting in
the waiting room, and he was able to go meet our son in the nursery while I
stayed with her until she was feeling better. Then I went and joined my husband
with our son! Words can't describe what that felt like. The best I can do is
compare it to a dream.
This is where God's amazing
presence really became real. The nurses and hospital staff were beyond amazing
to us and to the expectant mother. It could not have gone any better. It was
truly an awesome experience. Like I said, they not only took care of us, they
took exceptional care of her. After the initial, albeit short-lived reaction of
"how can she do that", the staff quickly figured out that we were
very close to each other and that she was doing this out of love for her child!
Such. Brave. Love!
We spent some more time with
her before we all left the hospital on Friday. I gave her a ride home, and a
big hug because I knew that was most likely the last time I would see her.
We left the hospital with
him and went to the home of the daughter of a CRNA we worked with in St. Louis.
Yep, we stayed with people we had never met, and it was amazing! They were
great, and it was so nice to stay in a home and not a hotel! They felt more
like old friends than strangers.
Friday night, big night for
us. This is when she can legally sign the paperwork that legally places him for
adoption. She's gonna sign, right? Of course she is, but we'll just be glad
when she has? but, she's going to? 5:30, no word, 6:30, no word... 7pm attorney
finally calls, they signed. The next day she texted me to say that she knew
they were doing the best thing for him and that we were going to be
great parents. She asked how he was doing and for some pictures of him.
Then on the following
Saturday she started saying she was sad and they really missed him, it was harder
than she thought. By now we are back at home and I am trying to navigate her
feelings and the feelings of being a new mom whose husband is back at work so
she is getting up with him around the clock and the house is getting messy
everything feels out of control. She is making inappropriate posts and comments
on Facebook, so I decided to tell her we couldn't be Facebook friends
anymore. I was having to screen and think about everything I posted and what
she would say about it, and how it would make her feel, and that just wasn't
how I wanted it to be. This is just a small example of the ups and downs and
unexpected emotions we faced.
On labor day weekend it
happened, she changed her mind and wanted him back. Of course she can't get him
back. But knowing that she felt that way was heartbreaking. She
was offered counseling several times throughout the process, but refused
it each time. She decided to take a break from us for a while and we went about
a week without talking. Then we were talking again more often, and she
seemed to be doing much better. Most of the conversation was about Tucker and
how he was doing with a few comments about how they were struggling or
needed something, but didn't specifically ask for anything. She asked for a lot
of things and help throughout her pregnancy. Her expenses were covered for six
weeks post pregnancy and we were now past that point.
It was almost Halloween
time and I asked her what her children were going to be for Halloween to which
she replied they couldn't afford costumes. I asked her what they wanted to
be so I could send costumes. She told me what they wanted and then asked if I
could send money for food. I said no, I'm not going to help you with living
expenses any more, (I told her that before) but I would like to do nice things
from time to time. She said she was angry about that, but that I could send the
costumes. This led to her asking if I was going to send Christmas presents and
of course I was. So she began to send me their entire Christmas list, and
asked me if I could help them get more gifts through local resources as well as
our church. We did what we could, and actually got them set up to get help from
several resources. They opted not to follow through with most of
them because it required a walk in the rain or a bus ride (they don't have
a car) to pick up their free Thanksgiving meal. I did some
creative shopping and was able to come up with several nice gifts for them
on their wish lists. I mailed it on 12/7/14 so it would have plenty of
time to make it there. Except it never made it there...
This made both of us very
upset. She said some mean and hurtful things out of pain, and I couldn't
resend her the gifts. We had a heated discussion over my role and
responsibility to them. I reached out to our TX adoption agency worker to
help explain things to her as well. She again told her not to ask us for
anything again and not to speak negatively. I felt it necessary to tell her
that I wouldn't buy anything for her or her family again. Things were much better
for a while. I did receive a few negative texts and texts hinting at
asking for things, and I explained to her that those were examples of the kinds
of texts she wasn't supposed to send anymore.
I sent her a picture of
Tucker and his new teeth. This was the first time I sent her a picture without
her asking for one. She replied telling me she was busy with her life and her
kids. The next day, January 17th, she wanted me to send her something. I tried
to ignore it, but she kept texting. I then reminded her that I told her I
wasn't sending her anything again. She said she made a mistake choosing us. I
then told her that I would no longer be talking to her and I would send letters
and pictures through the TX adoption agency. I never wanted to close things off.
It was a last resort way to deal with a toxic situation.
Things stayed quiet. Miles
was born. I mailed her pictures and a letter when Tucker was six months. Then
on March 4th, when I was beginning to think that I had seen, heard, or
experienced all things adoption I received an email. At 11:48 AM she emailed
saying that things were tough with Tucker's biological brother and they were
placing him for adoption... WHAT?!? Wow. That's about all it said. Did she want
us to adopt him? Was she serious? Was her husband on board? Did we want to
adopt him? Can we adopt him?
How would it work? Can we
afford it? Talk about a shock! Yes, she wanted us to adopt him so he could be
with his brother and she knew he would have a good home. Yes, she was serious.
Yes, her husband was on board. Yes, we wanted to adopt him, and no, we didn't.
It would work similar to a newborn adoption including an ICPC wait. No, we
can't afford it, but we could make it happen. There would be no money for
living assistance. That only applies to pregnancies. Oh wait; at 5pm they
changed their minds. They will get him help... Whew. Wow, that was
overwhelming.
March 11th we finalized
Tucker's adoption!!! Yay, it's official, no more visits or reports from the
social worker. We have a birth certificate and can apply for a social security
card! Oh happy day. Well, it was actually a little anticlimactic. We got
to the Dallas juvenile courthouse about 8am and waited for our turn.
We were in front of the judge for all of 5 minutes while the attorney read
some paperwork and we answered yes to some questions. The judge never even
looked up at us.
As mother's day approached
I really wanted to open things back up with Tucker's birth mother. After all,
she carried him for nine months, chose life, and chose us! I sent her a text,
and things have been much better since then. One of the nice things about open
adoption was being able to ask about family medical history when Tucker needed
ear tubes. She did feel left out of his birthday celebration when I didn't mention
them on his birthday chalkboard. I apologized and showed her the other ways I
included them in the celebration. We talk about once or twice a week and she
always tells me to tell Tucker how much they love him, and I love that! He will
always know how much he is loved.
With all that has happened
with our two adoptions, you can probably understand why I have been so
quiet on our blog. I don't know how you are going to react to the details of
our story, but I have felt pulled to share it for a while now and it has taken
me months to write it! It was a difficult experience that we handled the best
and most loving way we could. Thanks for being part of our story. We love each
other and our sons very much and couldn't imagine life any other way.
 |
| So Worth It! |
